Today was my last radiation treatment!!
Yes, I AM DONE! I can't believe it. David and I had champagne tonight to celebrate and I feel like I deserve to drink about 4 bottles, at least. I got home and the boys had cleaned the living room of their toys and set the table for dinner (complete with flowers) WITHOUT BEING ASKED! It was a truly historic day!
This was my last treatment. I was in a super chipper mood even though I had to wait 45 minutes past my appointment time. Of course I'm one of many patients for the day - I swear the radiation technologists would recognize my chest before they would recognize my face. So they did not act at all happy or excited for me. No one acknowledged that it was a momentous occasion.
I haven't written much about radiation b/c there's not much to tell. The first 5 weeks consisted of 20 minute sessions every day. I was radiated from 3 different angles each time and getting the machine set up correctly takes time. Sometimes there was music playing. Often something harmless like the Beatles or Billy Joel but once there was some kind of mournful music blasting - it brought tears of self-pity to my eyes. It sounded celtic perhaps.
The last 5 radiation sessions were just a "boost" (a boost of what exactly I never bothered to ask - I do as I'm told) - radiation to the lumpectomy site which only takes 1 minute. Today they were playing Frank Sinatra and just as the music swelled into the final crescendo and Frank's last lingering note, the radiation machine went off. It was perfect timing and I was euphoric! I was done!
But as with all things medical, there's no time for nostalgia. At the end of the treatment the radiation technologists had the gall to hand me a schedule for the rest of the week indicating 9:30 am appointments every day. "I am NOT coming back and you can't make me!" I thundered as they scampered off to check my chart and update the computer. I think they missed my "no offense" mutter. But seriously, I already said goodbye to my radiation oncologist last Wednesday and she assured me that unless I needed her, I would probably never see her again. Neither of us seemed too upset by that fact. And I knew I didn't need more radiation after today.
But irrationally I felt like an elementary school student. What would happen if I just didn't show up for the rest of the week's appointments? What could they do to me? This is what I was seriously contemplating before they confirmed that they had made a mistake and I was done.
It was all anti-climactic after that. I just left. Walked out of 425 E. 67th Street, hopefully never to return. No one cheered; no one knew except me. But it didn't matter, I felt free.
I feel like a brand-new, cancer-surviving Heidi.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Aaannnd they're off.....
my eyebrows, that is.
Yes, last time I reported, they were falling out. Strangely they did not fall out evenly. Instead, the hairs closer to my nose fell out first. Eventually I had no eyebrows close to my nose and only the half closer to my hairline were left. I woke up at 4 am one night and looked at myself. More eyebrow hairs had fallen out while sleeping and I looked completely ridiculous! I grabbed my tweezers and next thing I knew, all eyebrows were gone! Whew! "I'm going to regret this in the morning," I thought.
The next morning I brushed on some eyeliner where my eyebrows used to be and it looked horrible! What a disaster! After a bunch of smearing with a tissue and other emergency maintenance, I eventually looked acceptable enough to show up at radiation and work. So off I went!
My hair is definitely growing back, thank goodness. As soon as my scalp is no longer visible, I'm going to stop wearing hats, scarves, wigs, etc. I'm estimating that will take another two or three weeks and then I'll be in a new phase of survival.
As my mom said, the fact that I actually care about my appearance is a very good sign that I'm feeling better!
Yes, last time I reported, they were falling out. Strangely they did not fall out evenly. Instead, the hairs closer to my nose fell out first. Eventually I had no eyebrows close to my nose and only the half closer to my hairline were left. I woke up at 4 am one night and looked at myself. More eyebrow hairs had fallen out while sleeping and I looked completely ridiculous! I grabbed my tweezers and next thing I knew, all eyebrows were gone! Whew! "I'm going to regret this in the morning," I thought.
The next morning I brushed on some eyeliner where my eyebrows used to be and it looked horrible! What a disaster! After a bunch of smearing with a tissue and other emergency maintenance, I eventually looked acceptable enough to show up at radiation and work. So off I went!
My hair is definitely growing back, thank goodness. As soon as my scalp is no longer visible, I'm going to stop wearing hats, scarves, wigs, etc. I'm estimating that will take another two or three weeks and then I'll be in a new phase of survival.
As my mom said, the fact that I actually care about my appearance is a very good sign that I'm feeling better!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Some Hair Here, No Hair There...
I've survived two weeks of radiation and so far, so good. It is a huge pain to get off the train, hop on the subway and then walk 10 minutes to Sloan Kettering - EVERY week day. And having moved to the suburbs, I forgot how dirty the subway is. I guess because of my heightened consciousness about my health I now notice it more. I see and hear people hacking and coughing left and right and it makes me nervous. Even though I'm done with chemo and my blood counts should be back to normal, I still feel I should be avoiding these sickly people. The first thing I do at Sloan is douse my hands and wrists with purell. Luckily they have dispensers everywhere!
Other than that, the big developments are hair-related. Eyelashes: Gone. Eyebrows: Almost Gone. Hair on Head: Growing back. Very strange that some of the hair is still falling out and some is already growing back. Also, this might be TMI, but the hair under my arms and on my legs has, as of yet, not regrown. That's a nice thing. My showers still only last a few minutes.
So I'm actually looking quite strange. If you don't notice the lack of eyelashes, you definitely notice the weird eyebrows. That's because they haven't fallen out consistently. All of the ones closest to the bridge of my nose are gone but there are quite a few farther out. I guess you could say I'm the opposite of a unibrow! I'm not sure what to do about this - do I draw in hairs closer to my nose? But that would look weird, too - it would be obvious that I'm drawing in fake eyebrows, I think. To date I have done nothing because I don't know what to do. People seem to be looking at me a bit strangely and so when they ask me how I'm feeling I always say, "Very tired. And my eyebrows are falling out!" I say this just so that they know that I know that I look bizarre. I'm not sure what I think I'm accomplishing by doing this but anyway, that's how it's going.
The hair on my head is coming back. It's very fine - like a baby's first hair. And unfortunately there's a lot of white appearing! Otherwise it looks like it will end up my normal color (the oncologist told me to expect anything). Guess I will need to look into getting it colored when it gets long enough. Boo! For now, I'm still wearing my crazy hats. I'm getting lazy and too tired of trying so I'm down to wearing black, grey and navy.
Other than that, the big developments are hair-related. Eyelashes: Gone. Eyebrows: Almost Gone. Hair on Head: Growing back. Very strange that some of the hair is still falling out and some is already growing back. Also, this might be TMI, but the hair under my arms and on my legs has, as of yet, not regrown. That's a nice thing. My showers still only last a few minutes.
So I'm actually looking quite strange. If you don't notice the lack of eyelashes, you definitely notice the weird eyebrows. That's because they haven't fallen out consistently. All of the ones closest to the bridge of my nose are gone but there are quite a few farther out. I guess you could say I'm the opposite of a unibrow! I'm not sure what to do about this - do I draw in hairs closer to my nose? But that would look weird, too - it would be obvious that I'm drawing in fake eyebrows, I think. To date I have done nothing because I don't know what to do. People seem to be looking at me a bit strangely and so when they ask me how I'm feeling I always say, "Very tired. And my eyebrows are falling out!" I say this just so that they know that I know that I look bizarre. I'm not sure what I think I'm accomplishing by doing this but anyway, that's how it's going.
The hair on my head is coming back. It's very fine - like a baby's first hair. And unfortunately there's a lot of white appearing! Otherwise it looks like it will end up my normal color (the oncologist told me to expect anything). Guess I will need to look into getting it colored when it gets long enough. Boo! For now, I'm still wearing my crazy hats. I'm getting lazy and too tired of trying so I'm down to wearing black, grey and navy.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Being a Science Project
Well, I start radiation on Tuesday. I go every day for 6 weeks. That seems like a long time. I'm not looking forward to it.
About a week ago I went for the "simulation". This is the appointment where they measured everything to get set up for radiation. I need to be in the exact same position each time. So how do they make sure that happens?
First, they made a mold of my upper body for me to lie in. Making the mold was actually kind of cool. Initially it was just a flat piece of plastic with something inside - similar to a pillowcase. Suddenly it started expanding all around me and turned cozy warm. Eventually it hardened into a styrofoam-like substance.
The appointment went on. The technicians (there were 4 roaming around) removed the mold and then started fussing with me. I was not allowed to move - AT ALL (hilariously they told me I WAS allowed to breathe! Oh good!) They put tape on my chest. Then they checked the lasers and drew all over me with a magic marker. The whole time I had my head turned toward the wall and couldn't really see what they were doing. I felt like some mad scientists were experimenting on me. It seemed so dehumanizing and degrading. Tears rolled down my face but since I had my head turned, they dripped all down one side and dried on only one cheek. The mad scientists either did not notice or ignored me which made it all the worse.
They measured the height of the bed and its exact position under the lasers. Eventually they were satisfied. Then came the last step: the tatoos! The technician told me what she was doing but I still felt like a piece of meat. She does this so often that I'm not even sure she would recognize me in the hospital halls! Oh well, who can blame her?
By the way, the tatoos look like small black dots - a bit like dirt. Ha, should be pretty with V-neck T-shirts and bathing suits.
About a week ago I went for the "simulation". This is the appointment where they measured everything to get set up for radiation. I need to be in the exact same position each time. So how do they make sure that happens?
First, they made a mold of my upper body for me to lie in. Making the mold was actually kind of cool. Initially it was just a flat piece of plastic with something inside - similar to a pillowcase. Suddenly it started expanding all around me and turned cozy warm. Eventually it hardened into a styrofoam-like substance.
The appointment went on. The technicians (there were 4 roaming around) removed the mold and then started fussing with me. I was not allowed to move - AT ALL (hilariously they told me I WAS allowed to breathe! Oh good!) They put tape on my chest. Then they checked the lasers and drew all over me with a magic marker. The whole time I had my head turned toward the wall and couldn't really see what they were doing. I felt like some mad scientists were experimenting on me. It seemed so dehumanizing and degrading. Tears rolled down my face but since I had my head turned, they dripped all down one side and dried on only one cheek. The mad scientists either did not notice or ignored me which made it all the worse.
They measured the height of the bed and its exact position under the lasers. Eventually they were satisfied. Then came the last step: the tatoos! The technician told me what she was doing but I still felt like a piece of meat. She does this so often that I'm not even sure she would recognize me in the hospital halls! Oh well, who can blame her?
By the way, the tatoos look like small black dots - a bit like dirt. Ha, should be pretty with V-neck T-shirts and bathing suits.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Another one bites the dust!
Oh, I am so happy! I finished the last chemo session on Thursday!!! Chemotherapy bites the dust!!! I would be even more ecstatic if I didn't already have the joint and muscle pain starting. Oh well.
Yesterday I went to see the radiation oncologist. Unfortunately we had to wait 1.5 hours to see her which was very irritating. But it turns out I get a tiny break from medical procedures. I don't have to go back until Feb. 10th for the "simulation" - they put together a mold that will hold me in place for every session so that exactly the same parts of my body get lasered. Then I have to wait another week or so until the mold is ready.
Did you know that they will also put small tatoos everywhere they want the laser to be pointed? Yes, they are real tatoos! If I want them removed later I will have to go to a dermatologist. Why does no one talk about these things? Maybe they're so small they're not noticeable? Another strange breast cancer fact - radiation tatoos! Who would ever even think I would have to deal with tatoos? Here I spent my whole early twenties resisting the temptation to permanently disfigure my body with pictures of small roses only to have boring, old dot tatoos put all over my chest! Maybe I'll have them turned into pink breast cancer ribbon tatoos or something when this is all done.
Oh, and I found out I have to go for radiation every day for 6 weeks, not 5. Bleh.
Yesterday I went to see the radiation oncologist. Unfortunately we had to wait 1.5 hours to see her which was very irritating. But it turns out I get a tiny break from medical procedures. I don't have to go back until Feb. 10th for the "simulation" - they put together a mold that will hold me in place for every session so that exactly the same parts of my body get lasered. Then I have to wait another week or so until the mold is ready.
Did you know that they will also put small tatoos everywhere they want the laser to be pointed? Yes, they are real tatoos! If I want them removed later I will have to go to a dermatologist. Why does no one talk about these things? Maybe they're so small they're not noticeable? Another strange breast cancer fact - radiation tatoos! Who would ever even think I would have to deal with tatoos? Here I spent my whole early twenties resisting the temptation to permanently disfigure my body with pictures of small roses only to have boring, old dot tatoos put all over my chest! Maybe I'll have them turned into pink breast cancer ribbon tatoos or something when this is all done.
Oh, and I found out I have to go for radiation every day for 6 weeks, not 5. Bleh.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
One week later...
I'm doing much better. I still have pain but it's mostly in my knees and slowly disappearing.
And David found my black hat! It was in with the newspapers, along with Max's astronomy book. Huh??
Another thing I found out is that my hair will start to grow back about 6 - 8 weeks after my last chemo treatment. The next one is on Thursday! I will be very happy to be done. My hair should start growing around mid-March.
Otherwise not much else to report.
And David found my black hat! It was in with the newspapers, along with Max's astronomy book. Huh??
Another thing I found out is that my hair will start to grow back about 6 - 8 weeks after my last chemo treatment. The next one is on Thursday! I will be very happy to be done. My hair should start growing around mid-March.
Otherwise not much else to report.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Taxol, Round 3
Thursday I went back for my third Taxol treatment and found out some interesting news.
Falling - Apparently Taxol causes balance problems. That is probably why I fell twice. Also, the balance issues can be permanent! My oncologist told me to be careful and to always hold on to railings, etc.
Menopause - Taxol also causes early menopause which it seems I'm going through. It can also be permanent!
Finger Numbness/Tingling - I knew this was a side effect of Taxol and now I'm starting to experience it. Typing is getting harder which means my job might get harder. Eeeek! And of course, this can also be permanent.
This Taxol is some serious stuff.
Saturday my joint, bone and muscle pain started again. Yesterday it was awful! I spend the day sitting around crying, feeling sorry for myself and being upset about the possibly permanent side effects. I could barely move and it was so depressing! Then I started watching TV and there was a commercial for a law firm specializing in disability: "If you can't work and need help with disability benefits, call the Seelig Firm..." I imagined myself no longer being able to type, trying to get govt disability benefits because I can't do my job, sitting around home useless and so started to cry, cry, cry...
Then I tried HGTV (which I never watch) and there was a guy who bought a house having just become engaged. He was excited about eventually having a family. Then he lost his job, fiancee dumped him, bank was close to foreclosure, he owed more than he could sell the house for but the nice broker gave up her commission but then the buyers backed out and there wasn't even a good ending. The bank foreclosed on him. What if I can't work and that happens to me (never mind that we don't even own a house...)??? Waaah! More crying, crying, crying. I was a wreck!
During one of the crying bouts, Leo came over and just stood in front of me. Finally I told him I just didn't feel well. He said, "You'll probably feel better tomorrow, Mom." Then he let me hug him for a long time. He went away and I heard a bunch of whispering between him and Max. Suddenly Max came over and said, "Leo told me I should come over to you." I told him I just needed a big hug and he let me hug him, too. Then he skipped off. They seem surprisingly unaffected by all of this. That is a blessing.
Today I'm a bit better. The thought of having permanently numb fingers and balance problems is freaking me out but I'm trying to remain calm. There are worse things that could happen.
Also, I found out that even though my cancer is "officially" triple-negative, my oncologist said it responded slightly to hormones. If I want to further reduce the possibility of BC recurrence, I can try hormone therapy after radiation ends. She said it may not make a difference in my case but I think I will do it so long as it doesn't have any bad side effects.
Oh, I only have 30 eyelashes left on the bottom left which, even though it sounds like a lot, is not. Try counting how many you have.
On top of everything else, I lost my favorite black hat! Probably everyone who sees me regularly is quite excited and is giving a loud cheer and fist pump about this but it makes me sad. Waaah!
Falling - Apparently Taxol causes balance problems. That is probably why I fell twice. Also, the balance issues can be permanent! My oncologist told me to be careful and to always hold on to railings, etc.
Menopause - Taxol also causes early menopause which it seems I'm going through. It can also be permanent!
Finger Numbness/Tingling - I knew this was a side effect of Taxol and now I'm starting to experience it. Typing is getting harder which means my job might get harder. Eeeek! And of course, this can also be permanent.
This Taxol is some serious stuff.
Saturday my joint, bone and muscle pain started again. Yesterday it was awful! I spend the day sitting around crying, feeling sorry for myself and being upset about the possibly permanent side effects. I could barely move and it was so depressing! Then I started watching TV and there was a commercial for a law firm specializing in disability: "If you can't work and need help with disability benefits, call the Seelig Firm..." I imagined myself no longer being able to type, trying to get govt disability benefits because I can't do my job, sitting around home useless and so started to cry, cry, cry...
Then I tried HGTV (which I never watch) and there was a guy who bought a house having just become engaged. He was excited about eventually having a family. Then he lost his job, fiancee dumped him, bank was close to foreclosure, he owed more than he could sell the house for but the nice broker gave up her commission but then the buyers backed out and there wasn't even a good ending. The bank foreclosed on him. What if I can't work and that happens to me (never mind that we don't even own a house...)??? Waaah! More crying, crying, crying. I was a wreck!
During one of the crying bouts, Leo came over and just stood in front of me. Finally I told him I just didn't feel well. He said, "You'll probably feel better tomorrow, Mom." Then he let me hug him for a long time. He went away and I heard a bunch of whispering between him and Max. Suddenly Max came over and said, "Leo told me I should come over to you." I told him I just needed a big hug and he let me hug him, too. Then he skipped off. They seem surprisingly unaffected by all of this. That is a blessing.
Today I'm a bit better. The thought of having permanently numb fingers and balance problems is freaking me out but I'm trying to remain calm. There are worse things that could happen.
Also, I found out that even though my cancer is "officially" triple-negative, my oncologist said it responded slightly to hormones. If I want to further reduce the possibility of BC recurrence, I can try hormone therapy after radiation ends. She said it may not make a difference in my case but I think I will do it so long as it doesn't have any bad side effects.
Oh, I only have 30 eyelashes left on the bottom left which, even though it sounds like a lot, is not. Try counting how many you have.
On top of everything else, I lost my favorite black hat! Probably everyone who sees me regularly is quite excited and is giving a loud cheer and fist pump about this but it makes me sad. Waaah!
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