GOOD RIDDANCE!

Today was my last radiation treatment!!

Yes, I AM DONE!  I can't believe it.  David and I had champagne tonight to celebrate and I feel like I deserve to drink about 4 bottles, at least.  I got home and the boys had cleaned the living room of their toys and set the table for dinner (complete with flowers) WITHOUT BEING ASKED!  It was a truly historic day!

This was my last treatment. I was in a super chipper mood even though I had to wait 45 minutes past my appointment time. Of course I'm one of many patients for the day - I swear the radiation technologists would recognize my chest before they would recognize my face. So they did not act at all happy or excited for me. No one acknowledged that it was a momentous occasion.

I haven't written much about radiation b/c there's not much to tell. The first 5 weeks consisted of 20 minute sessions every day. I was radiated from 3 different angles each time and getting the machine set up correctly takes time. Sometimes there was music playing. Often something harmless like the Beatles or Billy Joel but once there was some kind of mournful music blasting - it brought tears of self-pity to my eyes. It sounded celtic perhaps.

The last 5 radiation sessions were just a "boost" (a boost of what exactly I never bothered to ask - I do as I'm told) - radiation to the lumpectomy site which only takes 1 minute.  Today they were playing Frank Sinatra and just as the music swelled into the final crescendo and Frank's last lingering note, the radiation machine went off. It was perfect timing and I was euphoric!  I was done!

But as with all things medical, there's no time for nostalgia. At the end of the treatment the radiation technologists had the gall to hand me a schedule for the rest of the week indicating 9:30 am appointments every day.  "I am NOT coming back and you can't make me!" I thundered as they scampered off to check my chart and update the computer. I think they missed my "no offense" mutter. But seriously, I already said goodbye to my radiation oncologist last Wednesday and she assured me that unless I needed her, I would probably never see her again.  Neither of us seemed too upset by that fact.  And I knew I didn't need more radiation after today.

But irrationally I felt like an elementary school student.  What would happen if I just didn't show up for the rest of the week's appointments?  What could they do to me?  This is what I was seriously contemplating before they confirmed that they had made a mistake and I was done.

It was all anti-climactic after that. I just left. Walked out of 425 E. 67th Street, hopefully never to return. No one cheered; no one knew except me. But it didn't matter, I felt free.

I feel like a brand-new, cancer-surviving Heidi.

Aaannnd they're off.....

my eyebrows, that is.

Yes, last time I reported, they were falling out. Strangely they did not fall out evenly. Instead, the hairs closer to my nose fell out first. Eventually I had no eyebrows close to my nose and only the half closer to my hairline were left. I woke up at 4 am one night and looked at myself. More eyebrow hairs had fallen out while sleeping and I looked completely ridiculous! I grabbed my tweezers and next thing I knew, all eyebrows were gone!  Whew!  "I'm going to regret this in the morning," I thought.

The next morning I brushed on some eyeliner where my eyebrows used to be and it looked horrible!  What a disaster! After a bunch of smearing with a tissue and other emergency maintenance, I eventually looked acceptable enough to show up at radiation and work. So off I went!

My hair is definitely growing back, thank goodness.  As soon as my scalp is no longer visible, I'm going to stop wearing hats, scarves, wigs, etc.  I'm estimating that will take another two or three weeks and then I'll be in a new phase of survival.

As my mom said, the fact that I actually care about my appearance is a very good sign that I'm feeling better!

Some Hair Here, No Hair There...

I've survived two weeks of radiation and so far, so good. It is a huge pain to get off the train, hop on the subway and then walk 10 minutes to Sloan Kettering - EVERY week day. And having moved to the suburbs, I forgot how dirty the subway is. I guess because of my heightened consciousness about my health I now notice it more. I see and hear people hacking and coughing left and right and it makes me nervous. Even though I'm done with chemo and my blood counts should be back to normal, I still feel I should be avoiding these sickly people. The first thing I do at Sloan is douse my hands and wrists with purell. Luckily they have dispensers everywhere!

Other than that, the big developments are hair-related.  Eyelashes: Gone.  Eyebrows: Almost Gone. Hair on Head: Growing back.  Very strange that some of the hair is still falling out and some is already growing back. Also, this might be TMI, but the hair under my arms and on my legs has, as of yet, not regrown. That's a nice thing. My showers still only last a few minutes.

So I'm actually looking quite strange. If you don't notice the lack of eyelashes, you definitely notice the weird eyebrows. That's because they haven't fallen out consistently. All of the ones closest to the bridge of my nose are gone but there are quite a few farther out. I guess you could say I'm the opposite of a unibrow!  I'm not sure what to do about this - do I draw in hairs closer to my nose? But that would look weird, too - it would be obvious that I'm drawing in fake eyebrows, I think. To date I have done nothing because I don't know what to do.  People seem to be looking at me a bit strangely and so when they ask me how I'm feeling I always say, "Very tired. And my eyebrows are falling out!" I say this just so that they know that I know that I look bizarre. I'm not sure what I think I'm accomplishing by doing this but anyway, that's how it's going.

The hair on my head is coming back. It's very fine - like a baby's first hair. And unfortunately there's a lot of white appearing! Otherwise it looks like it will end up my normal color (the oncologist told me to expect anything). Guess I will need to look into getting it colored when it gets long enough.  Boo!  For now, I'm still wearing my crazy hats.  I'm getting lazy and too tired of trying so I'm down to wearing black, grey and navy.

Being a Science Project

Well, I start radiation on Tuesday.  I go every day for 6 weeks.  That seems like a long time.  I'm not looking forward to it.

About a week ago I went for the "simulation". This is the appointment where they measured everything to get set up for radiation. I need to be in the exact same position each time. So how do they make sure that happens?

First, they made a mold of my upper body for me to lie in. Making the mold was actually kind of cool. Initially it was just a flat piece of plastic with something inside - similar to a pillowcase. Suddenly it started expanding all around me and turned cozy warm. Eventually it hardened into a styrofoam-like substance.

The appointment went on. The technicians (there were 4 roaming around) removed the mold and then started fussing with me. I was not allowed to move - AT ALL (hilariously they told me I WAS allowed to breathe!  Oh good!)  They put tape on my chest. Then they checked the lasers and drew all over me with a magic marker. The whole time I had my head turned toward the wall and couldn't really see what they were doing.  I felt like some mad scientists were experimenting on me. It seemed so dehumanizing and degrading.  Tears rolled down my face but since I had my head turned, they dripped all down one side and dried on only one cheek.  The mad scientists either did not notice or ignored me which made it all the worse.

They measured the height of the bed and its exact position under the lasers. Eventually they were satisfied. Then came the last step: the tatoos!  The technician told me what she was doing but I still felt like a piece of meat. She does this so often that I'm not even sure she would recognize me in the hospital halls! Oh well, who can blame her?

By the way, the tatoos look like small black dots - a bit like dirt.  Ha, should be pretty with V-neck T-shirts and bathing suits.

Another one bites the dust!

Oh, I am so happy!  I finished the last chemo session on Thursday!!!  Chemotherapy bites the dust!!!  I would be even more ecstatic if I didn't already have the joint and muscle pain starting.  Oh well.

Yesterday I went to see the radiation oncologist.  Unfortunately we had to wait 1.5 hours to see her which was very irritating. But it turns out I get a tiny break from medical procedures.  I don't have to go back until Feb. 10th for the "simulation" - they put together a mold that will hold me in place for every session so that exactly the same parts of my body get lasered.  Then I have to wait another week or so until the mold is ready.

Did you know that they will also put small tatoos everywhere they want the laser to be pointed?  Yes, they are real tatoos!  If I want them removed later I will have to go to a dermatologist. Why does no one talk about these things?  Maybe they're so small they're not noticeable? Another strange breast cancer fact - radiation tatoos!  Who would ever even think I would have to deal with tatoos?  Here I spent my whole early twenties resisting the temptation to permanently disfigure my body with pictures of small roses only to have boring, old dot tatoos put all over my chest!  Maybe I'll have them turned into pink breast cancer ribbon tatoos or something when this is all done.

 Oh, and I found out I have to go for radiation every day for 6 weeks, not 5.  Bleh.

One week later...

I'm doing much better.  I still have pain but it's mostly in my knees and slowly disappearing.

And David found my black hat!  It was in with the newspapers, along with Max's astronomy book.  Huh??

Another thing I found out is that my hair will start to grow back about 6 - 8 weeks after my last chemo treatment.  The next one is on Thursday!  I will be very happy to be done.  My hair should start growing around mid-March.

Otherwise not much else to report.

Taxol, Round 3

Thursday I went back for my third Taxol treatment and found out some interesting news.

Falling - Apparently Taxol causes balance problems.  That is probably why I fell twice.  Also, the balance issues can be permanent!  My oncologist told me to be careful and to always hold on to railings, etc.

Menopause - Taxol also causes early menopause which it seems I'm going through.  It can also be permanent!

Finger Numbness/Tingling - I knew this was a side effect of Taxol and now I'm starting to experience it.  Typing is getting harder which means my job might get harder.  Eeeek!  And of course, this can also be permanent.

This Taxol is some serious stuff.

Saturday my joint, bone and muscle pain started again.  Yesterday it was awful!  I spend the day sitting around crying, feeling sorry for myself and being upset about the possibly permanent side effects.  I could barely move and it was so depressing!  Then I started watching TV and there was a commercial for a law firm specializing in disability:  "If you can't work and need help with disability benefits, call the Seelig Firm..."  I imagined myself no longer being able to type, trying to get govt disability benefits because I can't do my job, sitting around home useless and so started to cry, cry, cry...

Then I tried HGTV (which I never watch) and there was a guy who bought a house having just become engaged. He was excited about eventually having a family.  Then he lost his job, fiancee dumped him, bank was close to foreclosure, he owed more than he could sell the house for but the nice broker gave up her commission but then the buyers backed out and there wasn't even a good ending.  The bank foreclosed on him. What if I can't work and that happens to me (never mind that we don't even own a house...)???  Waaah!  More crying, crying, crying.  I was a wreck!

During one of the crying bouts, Leo came over and just stood in front of me.  Finally I told him I just didn't feel well.  He said, "You'll probably feel better tomorrow, Mom."  Then he let me hug him for a long time.  He went away and I heard a bunch of whispering between him and Max.  Suddenly Max came over and said, "Leo told me I should come over to you."  I told him I just needed a big hug and he let me hug him, too.  Then he skipped off.  They seem surprisingly unaffected by all of this.  That is a blessing.

Today I'm a bit better.  The thought of having permanently numb fingers and balance problems is freaking me out but I'm trying to remain calm.  There are worse things that could happen.

Also, I found out that even though my cancer is "officially" triple-negative, my oncologist said it responded slightly to hormones.  If I want to further reduce the possibility of BC recurrence, I can try hormone therapy after radiation ends.  She said it may not make a difference in my case but I think I will do it so long as it doesn't have any bad side effects.

Oh, I only have 30 eyelashes left on the bottom left which, even though it sounds like a lot, is not.  Try counting how many you have.

On top of everything else, I lost my favorite black hat!  Probably everyone who sees me regularly is quite excited and is giving a loud cheer and fist pump about this but it makes me sad.  Waaah!

There's not that much to do in here...

Although you wouldn't necessarily see it this way, one of the "benefits" of chemotherapy is hair loss.

Let me explain...

It occurred to me a few days ago, while in the shower, that I really don't have much to do.  No hair washing, no shaving...all I have to do is wash my body and I'm done.  Really, there isn't much of an excuse to be in there.  A few days ago I tried...let the warm water run over me, "washed" my bald scalp with scented body wash, checked to see if my armpits needed shaving (no, they didn't)... I thought I had enjoyed the warm water a long time but it turns out I was in there about 3 minutes. 

So, it turns out applying my makeup takes longer than showering. 

I kind of feel like a bald man but they still need to shave their face, right?  I don't have any shaving.

I guess I win the "who can shower the fastest" award! 

Kind of cool. 

If you care about these things.

Taxol, you are not my friend!

Stupid, Taxol!

I thought you were supposed to be so much better than the Red Devil?  Why do you torture me with joint and bone pains?  I can't believe you can even overcome Tylenol-3 (tylenol with codeine)!  You make me feel very old, barely able to hobble up the stairs for days at a time.  And I am surprised that you can get me to wince with your sharp stabbing muscle pains.  You don't seem to do this to any other chemo patients! 

And now I'm starting to suspect that you are affecting the stability of my joints.  Why else would I fall twice within 2 weeks?  My poor left ankle is all swollen and my right knee is bruised and banged up.  Not to mention the gigantic spectacle I made of myself both times I fell!  Once on Christmas Eve, in the middle of rushing to get a seat in the packed church and the second time in the middle of the overpass rushing to catch the train.  I mean really, there was tea sprayed everywhere, purse and bag contents spewed forth and me sprawled right in the middle of everyone's path.  Three people stopped to help but you could tell they secretly hoped they wouldn't miss the train.  Was that really necessary?

What is the point of such behavior?  Isn't having cancer bad enough?  What, you want a piece of me??

I am not happy with you and your supposed "easy" side effects.  NOT ONE BIT! 

Well, the least I can do is get revenge and spread the word that you are not a friendly drug!  I have more than 25 people reading this blog and you have been exposed. So take that!

Hellooooo Taxol! What treats do you have in store for me?

Happy Holidays! 

Due to popular request (and in recognition of my tardiness), I am quickly updating this blog on Christmas Eve Eve to let everyone know I'm doing fine.

Here's the latest:

When last you heard from me, I was gearing up for my first chemo treatment with Taxol.  I will have a total of 4 treatments, one every 2 weeks for 8 weeks. 

I arrived last Thursday morning promptly at 9 am.  I saw my beloved nurse, Sheryl, and her sidekick, Dr. Wasserheit.  They congratulated me on finishing with the Red Devil and being half-way done.  I'm thinking, "Yeah, yeah, let's save the congratulations for the end. Let's get this over with" so admittedly I wasn't paying full attention when my sweeties were going through the new side effects to be expected from Taxol.  Something about joint pain, taking tylenol, numbness in my fingers, eyebrow and eyelash loss (which is already happening). Most of what I heard was "It won't be nearly as bad as the Red Devil".  My white blood cell count was sky-high so they decided I should not have the neulasta shot.  Ok, so I bebopped up to the chemo suite all ready to go.  I even sent David off to do Christmas shopping instead of wasting time sitting around with me watching chemicals drip into my body.

BTW, chemo "suite" is a very generous term.  It's basically a large room with recliners (but not really the cozy Laz-E-Boy kind, more the hospital "let's pretend this is a recliner" kind).  Each recliner has a chair next to it for the visitors (no need to give the visitors recliners - they don't need to be comfortable).  There's a fridge (big sign "For Drinks Only, No Food") and a basket of snacks on top (another sign "Please take only one per patient"). Then, each recliner has a TV near it which annoyingly only shows Memorial Sloan Kettering advertisements and/or shows.  A patient once turned it on and the whole thing was about cancer patients telling their stories:  "8 years ago I felt a lump and went to a doctor.  He kept telling me it was nothing. 3 years later I finally went to Memorial Sloan Kettering and they determined it was a tumor..."  Basically the underlying (not so subtle) concept is that Sloan Kettering is the best and you should be suspicious of everyone else. 

Oh, I should mention the Sloan Kettering pets.  Some of the waiting rooms have huge fish tanks filled with gorgeous, unusual fish.  My favorite is a big, yellow, chubby one that has one snaggle tooth hanging out - no other teeth to speak of.  He always looks cranky - like he wishes he were in a more prestigious tank somewhere - Mystic Aquarium, maybe?

Ok, back to the story - I bebop up to the chemo suite.

DID SOMEONE, ANYONE, MENTION THAT IT WOULD TAKE 6 HOURS FOR MY TAXOL TREATMENT??!?  No. No, they did not.

First I had to have the benadryl drip.  Then another steriod drip.  Those, combined with the 5 steroid pills I had to take the night before and that morning finally prepared me.  It was time for the Taxol. 

Now apparently Taxol can cause a severe allergic reaction in some people to the point where they can't breathe.  So the nurse explained that she had to watch me for the first 15 minutes and if I felt ANYTHING, no matter how small, I should tell her.  I told her I'd play my online sudoku game b/c if I didn't, I would definitely feel something.  You always feel weird things if you pay attention to your body - try it.  Suddenly that little jabbing pain on your shoulderblade seems suspicous. So I played my game and she kept asking me how I was doing and if I felt anything.  I never did.  Finally the 15 minutes were up and she moved on to someone else. 

Well, I was up there quite a while.  David got tons of our shopping done.  But before we knew it, the kids were going to be coming home from school and I wasn't nearly finished.  David rushed home to get them and then they all had to come back to get me.  I arrived home around 3:30.  More than 6 hours later!  Sheesh! 

I felt great the next day.  Well, not great for normal people, but great for a cancer patient.  No comparison to the Red Devil.  Saturday was great, too.  Then Sunday, DURING THE STEELERS GAME of all things, I started to get very bad muscle and joint pains.  Stabbing pains that made me writhe on the couch.  I couldn't even focus on the game!  Horrible!  I took tylenol and advil, remembering that my sweeties had told me I could alternate.  I thought for sure there must be something severly wrong.  I could barely move.  This must be how arthritis feels!

Quick research on the internet revealed that this is a very common side effect of Taxol.  93% of people experience it.  Monday I called my doctor and she said it happened right on schedule - 72 hours after treatment.  It usually lasts 5 days. 

So, today is the 5th day and I'm feeling almost back to normal.  Cancer-normal, that is.  Just in time for Christmas.

Merry Christmas to All! 

Birthday in Bed...But I'm Feeling Groovy

Tuesday (Pearl Harbor Day) was my birthday.  Except for sending a few work emails, I spent almost the whole day in bed. I just couldn't get the energy to move. I didn't even rest, I SLEPT!  Around 4 pm I rallied and was able to have a small celebration with my boys.

Thanks to all of you for the birthday calls, texts, emails and other messages!  It made me feel special on an otherwise very uneventful day.

Wednesday I went to work but still felt nauseous and exhausted.

Today I woke up and rushed off to the train for work. Usually its swaying starts the nausea for the day but today I arrived with a spring in my step and a smile on my face.  I realized that I feel GOOD!  Well, not "normal" good, but pretty darn good for post-chemo.  I was quite chipper at work and tonight at home.

I'm so happy - I hope this lasts!!!

I will never take feeling healthy and happy for granted again. It's amazing how feeling good changes your outlook and attitude.

Last Dance with the Red Devil

It's chemo eve.  Tomorrow I dance my last dance with the Red Devil. I'm dreading it but am also eager to get it over with. Onward and upward to Taxol!  New side effects to look forward to!

For those who have never heard of the Red Devil (and lucky you are), it's the breast cancer patients' affectionate term for adriamycin. Its side effects include nausea, vomiting and life-threatening heart damage.  Well, that all sounds familiar, doesn't it?

The Red Devil got its name because it's red in color and needs to be administered by a nurse "by hand" a small bit at a time.  I get 5 huge syringes full during each session and it takes about 45 minutes to administer the whole dose.  It makes us patients feel terrible, hence the devil reference.

Well, tomorrow is that last time I have to deal with the Red Devil.  Coming up are 4 more chemo sessions with a different drug, Taxol.  My oncologist will tell me all about the new side effects tomorrow.  I know one of them is the loss of eyebrows and eyelashes and numbness in my fingers.  That should make typing at work interesting. 

I'm feeling good - physically and emotionally.  I'm almost chipper!  But you know that won't last and you'll have to be read a bunch of cranky, complaining posts.  My last chemo session was brutal.  I felt sick for over a week, and didn't really get off the couch until Saturday AFTER Thanksgiving.

We shall see how this last Red Devil session goes.  Hans (my brother) and his wife, Joanne, are here to help so that will be a nice highlight.

As a side note, I love my oncologist, Dr. Mary Wasserheit and especially her nurse, Sheryl!  They always make me feel like I'm their only patient and they've been eagerly waiting two whole weeks for me to come back!  Once again I can't say enough good things about Sloan Kettering and its staff - they are the absolute best!

Next time you get cancer, consider paying them a visit.

Round 3 progresses

Not much to report except that I feel bad, as expected. Nauseous and tired and grumpy. Yelling at the poor kids too much. Terrible! 

I had a nice visit with Jex (my sis)!  We had a lot of fun together - that was the highlight!

Looking forward to Thursday when I should finally feel better.  I know tomorrow will be the worst so I just need to get through it.

A little bit of bronchitis never hurt anyone

Last night I woke up coughing, coughing. This morning my chest hurt and I kept coughing. "Out of an abundance of caution" (as we lawyers like to say) I stayed home and called my oncologist. Normally I ignore signs of sickness until I'm on my death bed but I'm learning the lessons of this dance with cancer. I don't want to take any chances and it's always better to deal with things before they get too bad.

My oncologist ordered a chest x-ray. Turns out I now have bronchitis. She gave me antibiotics and sent me on my way until Thursday.  That's the day of my round 3. If I don't feel better by tomorrow (she gave me some strong stuff), I'm supposed to come back.

Looking forward to having my sis Jexy-Wex with me during this next round!!

The Hair Saga Continues...

First of all, I feel much better. On Thursday I realized I had gone the whole day without feeling nauseous. I'm still tired all the time but that's not too bad. It could be worse, as we all know.

Meanwhile there have been a great deal of hair developments. Mom left on Monday and wanted to take some of my hair with her. She's going to try to get it on a hat or something so I have some of my real hair to wear once in a while. If she can pull it off, she might as well go into wig-making. I don't know what's she's going to try, exactly, but she's a crafty lady so I'm quite intrigued.

I managed to rally myself from the bed long enough for her and David to shave my head. At first I cried a few tears but very soon it became apparent that I looked like Demi Moore in GI Jane (maybe not quite so pretty). Which made me remember that our military folks go through this a lot, too. It's really no big deal. Plus David and Mom managed to convince me that I have a "cute" head. It's just that no one knew until now because I have/had so much hair.

So then I tried on the wig. It looked horrible!  Hair sticking straight out and no matter what we did, we couldn't get it to lie flat!  David rushed out of the room so he wouldn't show how horrified he was - I knew right away that's what he was doing.  Mom and I kept trying - "it looked so good at the hairdresser's..."  FINALLY I realized that I had put it on upside down!  Sheesh, what a goofball!  I put it on correctly and VOILA!  Gorgeous!

So the new profile picture shows me with the wig on the right way (but with no makeup and feeling about to throw up).  It also shows David wearing a hat with some hair attached that I also received from a friend.  It's good for when you're rushing out to the grocery.  Doesn't he look cute?  That and the black eye (from an incident at his ultimate frisbee game) make him look like a perfect candidate for an episode of Ice Road Truckers.  I'm just saying.

On Tuesday I got ready for work. We were rushing around as usual and I put the wig on right before we headed out.  I asked Max and Leo, "How do I look?"  Max: "WEELLL, just a little bit ugly."  Me: "What?  That's not too nice to say."  Leo: "Well, Mom, just a teensy, weensy bit ugly." I couldn't help but feel a bit self-conscious after that but I chalk their comments up to the fact that they're just 8 and 6. I do look a lot different with the wig.

So I went to work and the wig received many compliments. Some people thought I had just changed my hairstyle.  But the wig itched.  Wednesday it itched more.  I couldn't wait to get home to take it off.  I have about .5 inches of stubble all over my head and I think that's what causes the itching.  I kept scratching and then had a brilliant idea - TAPE!!!!  I wrapped some around my hand and started patting my head - plenty of hair came off and it felt so good!  Guess who got involved?  The boys!  Next thing I know my head is covered with pieces of packing tape (nice and sticky) and Max and Leo are pulling, pulling hair out.  It felt fabulous.  When it was time to go to bed, Leo begged David to "leave some for me for tomorrow"! I still have a lot of stubble and debating another tape party for tomorrow night.

Who knew the side effects of cancer could be so fun???

The Last Bastion of Normalcy has succumbed...

Well, my hair has given up its fight. It is falling out in clumps. Today is the day that it will get shaved off, if I can get out of bed. My hair and I just can't get the energy up to fight the chemo drugs any more.

I'm actually kind of looking forward to shaving it because my scalp hurts. 

They said the chemo effects are cumulative and they are right. It is much harder this time. I can't imagine how much worse it will get during the next treatments. The exhaustion is overwhelming. All I can do is lie around in a big pile of misery. I don't really even sleep much because the drugs prevent good rest.

And I hate the dumb port because 1) I hate all creepy medical things; 2) it itches like crazy (I guess b/c it's healing?); and 3) I can feel it when I lie on my side in bed and it feels like I have a piece of uncomfortable metal sticking me in the chest.

I am cranky and can't think of anything fun or good to look forward to.

I'm sure I will start to feel better in a few days and this will pass but it's a tough cycle to go through every two weeks.

Sheesh, I am a giant crankball, aren't I?  I bet my poor coworkers dread my return.  I was a nightmare of discontent last week...

Chemo Round 2

Well, I'm dealing with the side effects of Round 2.  This time is harder than last.  I'm more tired and nauseous and all the other stuff. 

I thought I could get a bunch of work done yesterday (the day that I'm supposed to feel the best) but there was no way. The steroids make my head feel hot and feverish and thinking didn't seem like a worthwhile effort.

My hair is hanging in there. David compared me to Samson - my hair is my strength.  Hee, hee.  It, at least, is refusing to be affected by chemo.  Actually today there seem to be more strands that come out when I pull but that could also be because I haven't showered since the port was put in (not allowed).

Today I go to the hair dresser to have my wig styled for me. Should be fun.  Many thanks to Wendy for giving me her gorgeous wig!  I will have somewhat redder hair that's STRAIGHT for the next few months. I've always wanted straight hair that looks perfect at all times - total bonus of wearing a wig!

My anger has subsided. I think it's because I'm too tired to be mad.  It takes energy to be angry. Maybe it will come back when I'm feeling better.

The Port is In

Well, I had the surgery yesterday to have the port inserted.  All went well and it's in but I have a bunch of bandages and it hurts.  I'm not happy about that.  I'm annoyed with being in pain all the time.  It is making me very crabby.

Today is the second round of chemo. Mom is coming with me. I'm curious to see how it all goes with this sore port! 

Also, I'm expecting to lose my hair tonight or tomorrow.  A friend told me that she started losing hers the night of her second treatment. So far my hair seems to be its normal self, though. Not much action up there.  I have a wig ready to go. As soon as I lose large amounts of hair David and I are going to shave the rest off.  I'm kind of looking forward to having my hair look perfect for once. That's the silver lining about wearing a wig!

I'm still mad about having cancer!  I hate everyone and everything (except all of you!) and I'm very annoyed. I will get over it.  There are probably some "stages" of having cancer (as there are stages of grief) and I'm sure anger is one of them. So I'm in that stage right now.  I guess I'd say my stages so far have been: shock, acceptance, anger.  Wonder what's left and what's next?

And no, I haven't read any cancer books, or books about how to deal/live with cancer, or tips on surviving breast cancer.  Having it is bad enough, I just don't want to read about it, too.

Thanks to all for the gifts, cards, candies/chocolates, food, flowers, etc.  One of these days I will get around to writing thank you cards!  Meanwhile please know that I am so thankful to have such great friends and family who care about me so much. That's one of the main things that's helping me along...

Feeling Better and Pissed Off!

Ok, so I feel better.  Not normal, but able to function.

And I'm pissed off!  Why is this happening to me?  I didn't do anything wrong! I've tried to live my life as a good person!  I'm really mad this is what I have to go through! I know others have it worse - but so many people don't have cancer and don't have to go through chemo and surgery, etc. - so why me??? 

I'm really mad now that I've had some time to think about it all.  I don't deserve this!!!

Oh woe is me!

Ignore previous post.

I feel horrible.  We will all be lucky if I don't throw up all over the house.

I hope tomorrow is better.

This is not easy.