Taxol, Round 3

Thursday I went back for my third Taxol treatment and found out some interesting news.

Falling - Apparently Taxol causes balance problems.  That is probably why I fell twice.  Also, the balance issues can be permanent!  My oncologist told me to be careful and to always hold on to railings, etc.

Menopause - Taxol also causes early menopause which it seems I'm going through.  It can also be permanent!

Finger Numbness/Tingling - I knew this was a side effect of Taxol and now I'm starting to experience it.  Typing is getting harder which means my job might get harder.  Eeeek!  And of course, this can also be permanent.

This Taxol is some serious stuff.

Saturday my joint, bone and muscle pain started again.  Yesterday it was awful!  I spend the day sitting around crying, feeling sorry for myself and being upset about the possibly permanent side effects.  I could barely move and it was so depressing!  Then I started watching TV and there was a commercial for a law firm specializing in disability:  "If you can't work and need help with disability benefits, call the Seelig Firm..."  I imagined myself no longer being able to type, trying to get govt disability benefits because I can't do my job, sitting around home useless and so started to cry, cry, cry...

Then I tried HGTV (which I never watch) and there was a guy who bought a house having just become engaged. He was excited about eventually having a family.  Then he lost his job, fiancee dumped him, bank was close to foreclosure, he owed more than he could sell the house for but the nice broker gave up her commission but then the buyers backed out and there wasn't even a good ending.  The bank foreclosed on him. What if I can't work and that happens to me (never mind that we don't even own a house...)???  Waaah!  More crying, crying, crying.  I was a wreck!

During one of the crying bouts, Leo came over and just stood in front of me.  Finally I told him I just didn't feel well.  He said, "You'll probably feel better tomorrow, Mom."  Then he let me hug him for a long time.  He went away and I heard a bunch of whispering between him and Max.  Suddenly Max came over and said, "Leo told me I should come over to you."  I told him I just needed a big hug and he let me hug him, too.  Then he skipped off.  They seem surprisingly unaffected by all of this.  That is a blessing.

Today I'm a bit better.  The thought of having permanently numb fingers and balance problems is freaking me out but I'm trying to remain calm.  There are worse things that could happen.

Also, I found out that even though my cancer is "officially" triple-negative, my oncologist said it responded slightly to hormones.  If I want to further reduce the possibility of BC recurrence, I can try hormone therapy after radiation ends.  She said it may not make a difference in my case but I think I will do it so long as it doesn't have any bad side effects.

Oh, I only have 30 eyelashes left on the bottom left which, even though it sounds like a lot, is not.  Try counting how many you have.

On top of everything else, I lost my favorite black hat!  Probably everyone who sees me regularly is quite excited and is giving a loud cheer and fist pump about this but it makes me sad.  Waaah!